It's negative. Now what?

Yesterday was the anti-climax of our first attempt at IVF which spanned three months and ended with a big letdown. I cried for about half an hour, called my husband, cried some more, then went out for lunch with a friend who is also having infertility issues. She has been trying to get pregnant for about as long as my husband and I have been together (3 years or so.) Her and her husband are saving up for their first IVF cycle and trying to find a job with good insurance.

I had already made plans with my family to go to the girls' state basketball final last night, so I knew I had to keep composed once I left my house. My mom and dad are the only family members who know what I'm going through, and 10 family members went to the game last night. Mom asked me on the phone (while we were both driving to my grandmother's to meet) if I was pregnant or not. I told her no, and she said "I'm sorry." That was the end of the conversation. All the women in my family (who have tried) have no issue with getting pregnant. I am an oddity, and my mom doesn't know how to handle this. She supports me, but sometimes just doesn't know what to say. This was one of those times.

It's ok. I have my friends. I have great friends. I know all of them care about me. Some of them just don't know how to support me during this time. Some of them are very good at listening, and asking the right questions without making the wrong comments. Others are just "there for me," and I understand that. I'll take all the support I can get. I've also come to find great support from my "on-line friends." During my failed IVF attempt, I found two infertility message boards that I have leaned on. www.ivf-infertility.com and forums.fertilitycommunity.com

Everyone I've talked to since yesterday keeps telling me to grieve this loss. I understand this. I feel I am grieving, slowly. I cried when driving back to my home this morning (the game was two hours away and I stayed at my grandmother's last night.) I cried for about 45 minutes. When I got home and saw my husband (he was at work yesterday when I got the call, and I had left for the game before he got home), I broke down crying, and we held each other and I cried for a good 10 minutes or so. I feel I will properly grieve, but we also have to move on. Not being pregnant this time means we have even less time to get pregnant before he goes home for however long he needs to be there.

Now what? Well, I talked to the IVF nurse yesterday and told her we wanted to try again. She said she would pass this onto my doctor, and the team would talk about me in rounds on Tuesday. I have a follow-up with my doctor on Wednesday to discuss what went wrong, and what we will do different with the 2nd cycle. I have already made my list of concerns that I will hopefully have the courage to discuss with him. I am going to be the squeaky wheel this time. So many things went wrong with this last cycle. I want to make sure they don't happen again without a fight.

The IVF nurse told me that "very tentatively" I will start injections again mid-April, and egg retrieval will be around the end of April. I'm excited to move on. I'm not excited, however, to tell my boss. I am a nurse on a very busy unit in my hospital. Nurses who work on "the floor" have to be able to "lift, push, or pull 40 pounds or more." While doing IVF, I was on a 15 pound weight restriction, doctor's orders. Therefore, I couldn't work. It was not fun working out the details of getting time off for this last cycle, and my boss had known since November 2009 that I would need 3-4 weeks off from work. The schedule for April has already come out, and now I have to tell her I need another 3-4 weeks off to try again. I'll let you all know how that goes...